I love you all, I do.

If you knew I was going to die soon, what would you say to me?

The worst part of this danged disassociating crap is when I send random messages to my psychopathical exes and then get them all on my case again. I hate that I had to go through nvjdaGNVKAJNBVKJES trauma when I was younger that causes me to black out and not remember what I do. I HATE nvkjadlnv Ray for what he did to me that caused me even more trauma and even more blackouts.

And I hate that YOU don't understand this, and that even if I tried to explain it to you, you wouldn't understand anyways because your brain isn't properly functioning and you would accuse me of lying and all other kinds of crap like you have before. So you know what? I'm not going to report this one to the police (even though I could and technically should). Just don't do it again, ok? No more friend requests. No more asking people to send messages to me. No more public rants on your blog in hopes that I'll read it. K?

My brain:


My brain on guys:
Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Gibby Gibby Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Gibby Gibby Matt Matt Matt Matt Meese Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Gibby Gibby Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Marshall Gibby Gibby Matt Matt Matt Matt Meese

...You get the idea.

Like I have for the past week, I fell asleep last night texting Marshall. It's a comforting thing, knowing that someone is there for you. I feel safe when I talk to him, which is an incredibly wonderful feeling, especially when you consider that I don't feel that way a lot. When Matt is threatening to come find me and make me do what he wants, and when my parents are screaming at me for getting lower grades than they wished, I can turn to Marshall. He gets it. He remembers the little things. He's just incredible like that. And I love him, but in the same way that I would love a kid that I babysit or my friend's dog. I love him, but without that feeling of being attatched to him. I can honestly say that I am terrified of falling in love again, and that I am NOT in love with Marshall because of that. I think he's in love with me though. And that scares me, because people who have been in love with me before have always expected something in return, something I'm not ready to give them. Maybe in two years when he gets back I'll be ready. I really don't know.

I don't know anything anymore.

500 days.

So much so, in fact, that it's no longer efficient for me to buy a couple plastic trays at a time from local bakeries. I need to find a reasonably cheap supply store that sells cupcake trays. Help?

So, last night I realized that I hadn't creepered on Hal's livejournal for several months, so I decided to read it... and halfway through the first entry, I realized that it wasn't even worth it to me anymore, that our lives with probably never intertwine, and that the only chance I ever have of seeing him again is if he's randomly in Piedmont Park when I finally get the chance to go there with Zach. But that doesn't really matter. What matters is that he was once a very important part of my life, but he now has very little significance, other than as a part of my past. And I'm perfectly ok with that.

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

Matter
A game of geometry. You are given a bunch of shapes and you have to arrange them in the correct way before time runs out.

Hangaroo
Essentially hangman, except with a kangaroo. You can get four wrong letter guesses per round before you lose and, well, the kangaroo gets it...

QWOP
You are a runner on a track, and you move the legs with the QW and OP keys. It sounds stupid, but once you play it you get addicted because it's just so hilarious trying to get the legs to move and your little runner guy falls down a lot.

5 Finger Fillet
This game is kind of sick and twisted... You're holding a knife over a hand and the goal is to stab the knife down as many times without chopping off the fingers as you can. Don't try this in real life!

Five Minutes to Kill Yourself
You're a guy stuck in a cubicle farm and you've been summoned to yet another pesky meeting. You decide that killing yourself is a far better fate than attending another stupid meeting, so you have five minutes to find things around the office to kill yourself with. It's quite entertaining to see what the creators of this game came up with to kill yourself in an office... this would never work in a real office.

Pick the Perp
You are shown five random mug shots and a random crime and you have to choose which of the five was charged with that crime. I keep waiting to see a picture of one of my exes on there...

Hoshi Saga
There are 40 levels, and there is a star hidden in each one. Your job is to find them. It starts pretty easy and dumb, but by about the 20th level it gets very tricky.

Damn Birds
This is my go to for stress relief. You are a statue and birds are pooping on you. You shoot the birds so they will stop pooping on you. To pass the level you simply have to kill enough birds to avoid getting completely covered in poo. For each bird you kill, you are awarded a certain amount of money to buy ammunition and guns. It sounds simple, until you get to about the 10th level and get to birds that are nearly impossible to kill without a certain type of gun. It's really addicting, so watch out.

Hedgehog Launch
You are recruited by the country of Minovia Cay to help them send their national animal, the Minovian hedgehog, into space. They only have a $50 budget, though, so you have to prove that the hedgehog is capable of space travel before you get more money. Launch the hedgehog and steer with the arrow keys. The more stuff you hit and the longer you stay off the ground the more money you get. The little hedgehog is so cute!

3rd World Farmer
This is one of the very few RPGs I have ever enjoyed. You are a farmer allotted $50 to start your farm. Your immediate goal is to make enough money to survive another year, but your ultimate goal is to improve your community by building a school, a hospital, roads, telephone lines, and getting a political representative so you can get crop insurance. Watch out though, there is a major catastrophe every year, so make sure you plan ahead.

1. "When I Come Around" - Green Day: "You can't come forcing something if it's just not right."
2. "The Way I Loved You" - Taylor Swift: "He can't see the smile I'm faking, and my heart's not breaking 'cause I'm not feeling anything at all."
3. "Flavor of the Weak" - American Hi-Fi: "He's got posters on the wall of all the girls he wished she was and he means everything to her."
4. "Hum Hallelujah" - Fall Out Boy: "I thought I loved you, but it's just how you looked in the light."
5. "Stay With You" - Goo Goo Dolls: "Take my hand now, run forever, I can feel the storm inside you."W
6."Rocky Top" - Linda Hart: "Rocky Top, you'll always be home sweet home to me."
7. "White Horse" - Taylor Swift: "I'm not a princess and this ain't a fairytale."
8. "Jupiter" - Gustav Holst
9. "Check Up On It" - Beyonce: "If you got it, flaunt it. Boy, I know you want it."
10. "Five Minutes to Midnight" - Boys Like Girls: "I've got a sickness, you've got the cure, and you've got the spark that I'm looking for."
11. "Through Glass" - Stone Sour: "While you're outside looking in, describing what you see, remember what you're looking at is me."
12. "How You Remind Me" - Nickelback: "I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle."
13. "Absolutely" - Nine Days: "Your clothes never wear as well the next day and your hair never falls in quite the same way. You never seem to run out of things to say."
14. "Last Resort" - Papa Roach: "I'm losing my sight, losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine."
15. "As I Lay Me Down" - Sophie B Hawkins: "Though I'm far away I'll whisper your name into the sky and I will wake up happy."
16. "Wild At Heart" - Gloriana: "I've got forever on the tip of my tongue."
17. "Don't Turn Around" - Ace of Base: "If you want to leave, I won't beg you to stay."
18. "Blue" - Eiffel 65: "Blue are the words I say and what I think. Blue are the feelings that live inside me."
19. "Live Your Life" - TI and Rihanna: "I've got the spirit of a hustler and the swagger of a college kid."

"Wild at Heart" - Gloriana isn't on here because all of the links are blocked on campus!

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

So, over the summer I made a deal with Zach that he was only allowed to call me when he is drunk because I'm the only one that can handle him when he's drunk. He called last night, and as usual, his drunk ramblings were incredibly painful and thought provoking. Like always, he said that he never loved me, and I actually got an explanation out of him for breaking up with me (FINALLY, it's been more than a year!). But he kept asking why he still called me. I theorized that he still was in to me, and that he was trying to hold on to what he has lost. He refuted that, and said that he was glad that I didn't come back to him when he wanted me to, because now I'm happy and I have Matt. He said that he's glad I have Matt, because Matt can help me with all of my problems that he couldn't ever help me with. And then he asked me why he still called me.

Maybe it's for the same reason that every once in a while I still read Hal's blog. There aren't any leftover romantic feelings or residual guilt, and I don't want to get back with him. He's happy, and I'm happy, and it's good. But I can't help longing to see him again, because I just want to be friends. I think that would have been there even if we never dated though, because it was like that whenever he would come visit crew practice or Hitchy's classroom. He was a mentor. I looked up to him with adoration, not because I wanted to get with him, but because he was kind, knowledgeable, and always willing to help. Yes, maybe I loved him, but in the way that ten year olds love their favorite football or basketball player or the way that the little kids I babysat loved me.

Maybe that's why Zach still holds on. I think that's the kind of love he had for me all along. I was his tutor, his psychiatrist, and his pin-up girl. And he doesn't want me back, but he wants that type of friendship back. Or maybe I'm just projecting my feelings towards Hal onto him to try to explain my own actions through the actions of another. I don't know.

Not only did I apply to work at Satanmart again, but I applied to work at the Satanmart in Knoxville, the one that made me call it Satanmart in the first place. And... I even applied to be a cart pusher. :cries: I'm going to turn into Minta.

Darn you, raspberry water! Darn you! This would be so much easier if you had just gotten mad at me for messaging you and blocked me on here too so I couldn't ever talk to you again. Darn you!!! You make it so hard for me to be mad at you for all of this.........

It's not even you I should be mad at. I should be upset with your grape water, if with anyone. Well, really I should be mad at myself for causing this whole mess in the first place, but I tried to fix it and she just had to go and make me feel like an awful person for even trying. I felt guilty for sending you a message. That's pretty messed up. But I guess I deserve it for how immature I was an the past. She doesn't like me or trust me, and I acknowledge that it's my fault. But I think I deserve a second chance.

Why, oh why, can I not just stop loving you? I must be out of my mind, or something. We've spoken on two occasions in the last year through messages. This would be so much easier if I didn't feel like you were crucial to my development as a human being. Ugh, it's just so frustrating. I'm not in love with you, but you left an imprint on my very soul that can never be erased. For two and a half months of my life, you were my best friend, and you helped me through some of the toughest times of my life. I'm a better person because of my experience with you, and it sucks that I can't just convince myself that I hate you for putting me through this because of that. It works for months, and then I think of a question that you would answer perfectly in 30 seconds.

I've been reduced to allowing myself sneak looks at your blog every couple weeks. Honestly, you seem happy, and I'm glad. I'm happy too, but I would be happier with you in my life. You taught me so much, not just while you were my grape water, but throughout our entire friendship. I wish I could just stop caring and forget about you. I have tried so hard to move on.

Yes, I want to be friends. But you seem so happy, you both just seem so happy together. Don't let me mess that up. I don't want to invade your happiness. I guess my only choices now are to either ignore what your grape water said (which is going to be nearly impossible, considering I'm blocked from communicating with you in almost every way possible) or just stop trying. Leave you alone, and never initiate conversation with you again. I think that latter would be the easier choice. But is it the right one? I'll let you decide that one. But until then, goodbye.

So, freaking stupid BYU blocked deviantart, which means I can't host and sell images anymore, and I can't even request a payment for the images that have already been purchased. Stupid BYU and their over-obsessive honor board. Seriously, you can't even see the nude pictures that they are supposedly protecting us from if you aren't a member, and if you are a member you can put it in your settings to not show this images. This is absolutely freaking ridiculous.