So, last night I realized that I hadn't creepered on Hal's livejournal for several months, so I decided to read it... and halfway through the first entry, I realized that it wasn't even worth it to me anymore, that our lives with probably never intertwine, and that the only chance I ever have of seeing him again is if he's randomly in Piedmont Park when I finally get the chance to go there with Zach. But that doesn't really matter. What matters is that he was once a very important part of my life, but he now has very little significance, other than as a part of my past. And I'm perfectly ok with that.

Darn you, raspberry water! Darn you! This would be so much easier if you had just gotten mad at me for messaging you and blocked me on here too so I couldn't ever talk to you again. Darn you!!! You make it so hard for me to be mad at you for all of this.........

It's not even you I should be mad at. I should be upset with your grape water, if with anyone. Well, really I should be mad at myself for causing this whole mess in the first place, but I tried to fix it and she just had to go and make me feel like an awful person for even trying. I felt guilty for sending you a message. That's pretty messed up. But I guess I deserve it for how immature I was an the past. She doesn't like me or trust me, and I acknowledge that it's my fault. But I think I deserve a second chance.

Why, oh why, can I not just stop loving you? I must be out of my mind, or something. We've spoken on two occasions in the last year through messages. This would be so much easier if I didn't feel like you were crucial to my development as a human being. Ugh, it's just so frustrating. I'm not in love with you, but you left an imprint on my very soul that can never be erased. For two and a half months of my life, you were my best friend, and you helped me through some of the toughest times of my life. I'm a better person because of my experience with you, and it sucks that I can't just convince myself that I hate you for putting me through this because of that. It works for months, and then I think of a question that you would answer perfectly in 30 seconds.

I've been reduced to allowing myself sneak looks at your blog every couple weeks. Honestly, you seem happy, and I'm glad. I'm happy too, but I would be happier with you in my life. You taught me so much, not just while you were my grape water, but throughout our entire friendship. I wish I could just stop caring and forget about you. I have tried so hard to move on.

Yes, I want to be friends. But you seem so happy, you both just seem so happy together. Don't let me mess that up. I don't want to invade your happiness. I guess my only choices now are to either ignore what your grape water said (which is going to be nearly impossible, considering I'm blocked from communicating with you in almost every way possible) or just stop trying. Leave you alone, and never initiate conversation with you again. I think that latter would be the easier choice. But is it the right one? I'll let you decide that one. But until then, goodbye.