I started out with yellow cake batter, added orange zest and fresh orange juice. When I tasted the batter, it was AMAZING. Unfortunately, I mixed it for too long, and the cupcakes are pretty dry now. :( The baking gods have frowned upon me for my lack of judgment. Sigh. So much for the best cupcakes ever.

The icing is still really good, but the lettering is screwy because I left it out on the counter in my freezing cold kitchen and it got kinda hard before I put it in the decorating bag thingy. They look bad, they're dry, and they are squeezed into a container that is too small for them.

I think the reason they were so unsuccessful is because they contained no release in them. No tears went into this batch of cupcakes. (I'm not being literal, fyi. I don't actually cry into the mixing bowl. That is gross.) But I think the fact that I was all cheery and happy and hopeful and even expectant while making these cupcakes made me go wrong somewhere, causing the cupcakes to taste like crap. 

I've come to understand that there are good, wholesome, and uplifting alternatives to playing with razorblades. Baking appears to be an effective outlet, letting me create something that brings joy to people, instead of creating something that I am ashamed of. No, I'm not ashamed of these cupcakes - they're ugly, dry, and squished, but they are so much of an improvement from the crumbly disaster cupcakes I made with Hal that I am amazed when I think that I made both batches. 

I have to keep going. One bad batch of cupcakes shouldn't slow me down, just like I shouldn't take bad days so hard. Yes, I look like I tried to kill myself because of the burns and scratches on my wrists that I got when fishing a cardboard box out form under a register, and yes, Zach was hospitalized for a wrestling injury, but everyone is okay, and there are no self-inflicted wounds that came out of that day. In fact, something good came out of that day - a batch of strawberry cupcakes. 

I don't know why, but making cupcakes takes my mind off of everything bad and lets me just focus on an endless present. Making cupcakes gives me the same feeling that Zach's hugs do, and that is a feeling that I never want to forget. 

I don't understand it. I may not ever understand it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though this batch sucked, my efforts will still be appreciated, and that's what is keeping me going. When I screw up and go back to old habits, my friends are still supportive and they recognize the effort, the previous successes, and the hope for a conquering in the future. Cupcakes metaphorically representing cutting... who would have ever thought of that?

Craziness.