Darn you, raspberry water! Darn you! This would be so much easier if you had just gotten mad at me for messaging you and blocked me on here too so I couldn't ever talk to you again. Darn you!!! You make it so hard for me to be mad at you for all of this.........

It's not even you I should be mad at. I should be upset with your grape water, if with anyone. Well, really I should be mad at myself for causing this whole mess in the first place, but I tried to fix it and she just had to go and make me feel like an awful person for even trying. I felt guilty for sending you a message. That's pretty messed up. But I guess I deserve it for how immature I was an the past. She doesn't like me or trust me, and I acknowledge that it's my fault. But I think I deserve a second chance.

Why, oh why, can I not just stop loving you? I must be out of my mind, or something. We've spoken on two occasions in the last year through messages. This would be so much easier if I didn't feel like you were crucial to my development as a human being. Ugh, it's just so frustrating. I'm not in love with you, but you left an imprint on my very soul that can never be erased. For two and a half months of my life, you were my best friend, and you helped me through some of the toughest times of my life. I'm a better person because of my experience with you, and it sucks that I can't just convince myself that I hate you for putting me through this because of that. It works for months, and then I think of a question that you would answer perfectly in 30 seconds.

I've been reduced to allowing myself sneak looks at your blog every couple weeks. Honestly, you seem happy, and I'm glad. I'm happy too, but I would be happier with you in my life. You taught me so much, not just while you were my grape water, but throughout our entire friendship. I wish I could just stop caring and forget about you. I have tried so hard to move on.

Yes, I want to be friends. But you seem so happy, you both just seem so happy together. Don't let me mess that up. I don't want to invade your happiness. I guess my only choices now are to either ignore what your grape water said (which is going to be nearly impossible, considering I'm blocked from communicating with you in almost every way possible) or just stop trying. Leave you alone, and never initiate conversation with you again. I think that latter would be the easier choice. But is it the right one? I'll let you decide that one. But until then, goodbye.

I started out with yellow cake batter, added orange zest and fresh orange juice. When I tasted the batter, it was AMAZING. Unfortunately, I mixed it for too long, and the cupcakes are pretty dry now. :( The baking gods have frowned upon me for my lack of judgment. Sigh. So much for the best cupcakes ever.

The icing is still really good, but the lettering is screwy because I left it out on the counter in my freezing cold kitchen and it got kinda hard before I put it in the decorating bag thingy. They look bad, they're dry, and they are squeezed into a container that is too small for them.

I think the reason they were so unsuccessful is because they contained no release in them. No tears went into this batch of cupcakes. (I'm not being literal, fyi. I don't actually cry into the mixing bowl. That is gross.) But I think the fact that I was all cheery and happy and hopeful and even expectant while making these cupcakes made me go wrong somewhere, causing the cupcakes to taste like crap. 

I've come to understand that there are good, wholesome, and uplifting alternatives to playing with razorblades. Baking appears to be an effective outlet, letting me create something that brings joy to people, instead of creating something that I am ashamed of. No, I'm not ashamed of these cupcakes - they're ugly, dry, and squished, but they are so much of an improvement from the crumbly disaster cupcakes I made with Hal that I am amazed when I think that I made both batches. 

I have to keep going. One bad batch of cupcakes shouldn't slow me down, just like I shouldn't take bad days so hard. Yes, I look like I tried to kill myself because of the burns and scratches on my wrists that I got when fishing a cardboard box out form under a register, and yes, Zach was hospitalized for a wrestling injury, but everyone is okay, and there are no self-inflicted wounds that came out of that day. In fact, something good came out of that day - a batch of strawberry cupcakes. 

I don't know why, but making cupcakes takes my mind off of everything bad and lets me just focus on an endless present. Making cupcakes gives me the same feeling that Zach's hugs do, and that is a feeling that I never want to forget. 

I don't understand it. I may not ever understand it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though this batch sucked, my efforts will still be appreciated, and that's what is keeping me going. When I screw up and go back to old habits, my friends are still supportive and they recognize the effort, the previous successes, and the hope for a conquering in the future. Cupcakes metaphorically representing cutting... who would have ever thought of that?

Craziness.

In the course of this year, I have:

-started talking to a bunch of old friends from Stanton

-fallen in love with 3 of them

-gone out with 2 of them

-gone out with a stupid jerk from Knoxville

-gotten engaged to a girl

-witnessed the  blossoming friendship of two of my best friends

-been involved in a prom scandal

-been asked to elope with 2 different guys

-been asked if I wanted to get married after only being in a relationship for 3 days

-been used

-made my first 92% B

-taken the SAT

-been terrified that I was drifting apart from one of my best friends

-realized that I was worrying about nothing

-freaked out because I thought there was a shooting at Georgia Tech

-calmed down for a while when I realized it was at Virginia Tech

-freaked out again when I realized the only person I knew there was dead

-had cupcakes mailed to me

-mailed cookies

-laughed when freshman yelled "PDA" at seniors

-wondered if I would even make it to senior year

-bought plane tickets to Jacksonville

-not enjoyed every minute of it, but wouldn't undo any of it 

So, tomorrow I begin the daunting task of taking exams. Tomorrow is the EOC for APUSH, then Friday is the AP exam. Exams take a break until the 23 and 24. 

For some strange reason, I really am craving cupcakes right now. Weird.

1. Learn how to not be so kitchen retarded.
2. Make Justin's birthday cupcakes.
3. Sketch out the tshirt design for the youth group.
4. Catch up on math.
5. Finally start back up on those New Year's Resolutions.
6. Go find that diet that I threw out the window.
7. Steal a car.
8. Rob a bank.
9. Don't get caught..
10. Get out of Crappytown, USA.

Yeah, that's right, I am loved. Yay for cute little red cross cupcakes.