So, last night I realized that I hadn't creepered on Hal's livejournal for several months, so I decided to read it... and halfway through the first entry, I realized that it wasn't even worth it to me anymore, that our lives with probably never intertwine, and that the only chance I ever have of seeing him again is if he's randomly in Piedmont Park when I finally get the chance to go there with Zach. But that doesn't really matter. What matters is that he was once a very important part of my life, but he now has very little significance, other than as a part of my past. And I'm perfectly ok with that.

So, over the summer I made a deal with Zach that he was only allowed to call me when he is drunk because I'm the only one that can handle him when he's drunk. He called last night, and as usual, his drunk ramblings were incredibly painful and thought provoking. Like always, he said that he never loved me, and I actually got an explanation out of him for breaking up with me (FINALLY, it's been more than a year!). But he kept asking why he still called me. I theorized that he still was in to me, and that he was trying to hold on to what he has lost. He refuted that, and said that he was glad that I didn't come back to him when he wanted me to, because now I'm happy and I have Matt. He said that he's glad I have Matt, because Matt can help me with all of my problems that he couldn't ever help me with. And then he asked me why he still called me.

Maybe it's for the same reason that every once in a while I still read Hal's blog. There aren't any leftover romantic feelings or residual guilt, and I don't want to get back with him. He's happy, and I'm happy, and it's good. But I can't help longing to see him again, because I just want to be friends. I think that would have been there even if we never dated though, because it was like that whenever he would come visit crew practice or Hitchy's classroom. He was a mentor. I looked up to him with adoration, not because I wanted to get with him, but because he was kind, knowledgeable, and always willing to help. Yes, maybe I loved him, but in the way that ten year olds love their favorite football or basketball player or the way that the little kids I babysat loved me.

Maybe that's why Zach still holds on. I think that's the kind of love he had for me all along. I was his tutor, his psychiatrist, and his pin-up girl. And he doesn't want me back, but he wants that type of friendship back. Or maybe I'm just projecting my feelings towards Hal onto him to try to explain my own actions through the actions of another. I don't know.

Ok, I have to admit something - I have secretly been mad at Hal since February. About two weeks after Hal and I started dating, he went down to Jacksonville for a weekend. Mike went with him. While in Jacksonville, Mike accompanied Hal to the beach. Caitlin Weather was also there. When I found out about this, I was pissed, to say the very least. I used this situation as an excuse to hold a grudge against Hal, and as a petty reason to hate someone I haven't exactly ever met. 

I discussed this anger with Hal's knife-weilding best friend and deranged roomy, both of whom agreed that the anger was indeed justified. I never talked to Hal about it directly... I didn't want to start unneccesary drama.

While driving home from Walmart tonight, my mind somehow wandered to Hal's promise to come up here and Sasha's desire to meet Hal. I formed a theoretical situation in my mind that involved the three of us flying over the Sunsphere. (Author's note: I'm not entirely sure if this is possible, but if it is, that would certainly be cool.) That imagines scenario led me to question why I always picture myself hanging out with Hal with someone else. I decided that it must be because I am going out with someone else, and it would be weird for me to hang out with an ex in a one-on-one situation. This is part of the reason why I dragged Mel to the beach with me instead of just going to hang out with Hal by myself - I was going out with Ray at the time, and out of respect for him, I wasn't going to hang out one-on-one with an ex.  

I can't be mad at Hal for this anymore. It's just stupid. True, he could have gone about telling me in a better way, instead of letting me find out that he was at the beach with his ex through his roomy's photo documentation of the weekend. But he didn't do anything wrong. I owe an apology to him, and also to Caitlin Weather. (Author's note: There is a reason this entry is not friend locked.) Maybe I was stupid for not talking to Hal about this, maybe not. But it would definitely be stupid to still be mad.

Yeah, this was entirely deserved. Twice in one day might be a little unfair, and it did leave Zach a little disgruntled... but it was totally deserved. Seeing the death glare that was so often directed at me on the face of my boyfriend when directed at others is really funny. 

Just thought you all might want to know. (Yes, that goes for anyone in particular who may or may not be on my friends list that I have screamed PDA at on one occasion or another.)

Tested and tried method for getting a Mormon girl to like you 1000000000 times more than at the current point in time - act interested in the Book of Mormon.

A hug would be nice too. Especially if it was from my boyfriend. But we both know why that can't happen. (sobsigh) 

The back of the store smells like Ray's car... 

One of my customers smelled like Hal, which was weird.

A few minutes later, a guy came through my line to check his food stamp balance. His shirt had an abstract depiction of downtown Atlanta on it. I amused myself my picking out buildings I recognized. ("That's the Georgia Dome on the left, that's Tech Tower on the right, the Bank of America is right there...")

Of course, I couldn't help notice that my coworker Jerry smells exactly like Ray. It made me realize how much I miss him. It sunk in with a loneliness and heart ache that left me depressed and wanting to cut.

Get over your freaking mom-crush!!! We broke up more than 3 months ago! I'm over it, why aren't you?

I'm not entirely ok, though. I'm sunburned =( Oh well... It's not too incredibly bad. It's in an incredibly weird pattern, though, so...

Anyways, I'm sunburned because I was at the beach with Mel and Hal today. Mel was being boring and tanning, so I went in the water with Hal and he kept trying to dunk me... he let up a little bit after I told him why I was a little freaked out by Jax Beach... we just kinda stood there and talked a bit, and the conversation turned to a specific person... as long as she is civil, I'll be civil.

This conversation was followed by a phone call from the boyfriend, who had had an accident at work was on the way to the hospital...that kinda freaked me out. At this point, Hal brought out his kite, and while he was standing a few yards away flying it, some 30-something guy came up to me and Mel and asked us if he could take us to the bar and buy us drinks... he apparently had been watching us for a bit and thought we were hot.... Seeing that I'm underage, Mormon, and have a boyfriend, I declined, then broke into a fit of giggles when he asked "So, there's not even a chance?" No, there was not a chance. Besides, Hal would have wondered where we had gotten off to if we had just left. Silly Hal.

Still freaked out about Ray, and starting to sunburn, I went in the water with Hal again, he messed around more, and then I decided to go back and check if Ray had called back... he hadn't. At this point, I was sunburned to the point of no return and the tide was coming in, so we left. Hal followed us to Mel's car... I couldn't really figure out why, I thought he just wanted to keep talking... apparently he wanted a hug... OOPS!

Anyways, poor Dar was still really freaked out about Ray, and was quiet for most of the ride back to Mel's house, but was pleasantly surprised by a phone call letting me know that he was fine and that he was resting at home. I get to see him tomorrow, I'll either confirm or deny the doctors' assessment of how hurt he is.

The dream starts in anatomy 2 class, but I'm sitting in the APUSH room... Ah, well. I don't like the anatomy room anyways. But back to the dream. We were all playing with water baloons. Hal was in there, and he had put pink and black stripes in his hair.. It was cool looking. Anywho, when class was over, I went to the senior lot, picked up my freshman neighbor (I was a senior in my dream), got in my STICKSHIFT gold Dodge van and drove home. Perfectly. Take that, DMV lady.

In the course of this year, I have:

-started talking to a bunch of old friends from Stanton

-fallen in love with 3 of them

-gone out with 2 of them

-gone out with a stupid jerk from Knoxville

-gotten engaged to a girl

-witnessed the  blossoming friendship of two of my best friends

-been involved in a prom scandal

-been asked to elope with 2 different guys

-been asked if I wanted to get married after only being in a relationship for 3 days

-been used

-made my first 92% B

-taken the SAT

-been terrified that I was drifting apart from one of my best friends

-realized that I was worrying about nothing

-freaked out because I thought there was a shooting at Georgia Tech

-calmed down for a while when I realized it was at Virginia Tech

-freaked out again when I realized the only person I knew there was dead

-had cupcakes mailed to me

-mailed cookies

-laughed when freshman yelled "PDA" at seniors

-wondered if I would even make it to senior year

-bought plane tickets to Jacksonville

-not enjoyed every minute of it, but wouldn't undo any of it 

Call me a loser, but I do save voice mails from guys for a ridiculously long time, even when there is a new guy in the scene. Examples of this: old messages from Jared that I kept for 4 months after we broke up, message from Matt that I kept until March of this year, the message from Hal that I just deleted today.

I keep the old messages until the "new boy" leaves a cute one to replace it. They usually aren't anything special, but they always leave me grinning and I listen to them over and over again for months. Pathetic, no?

I'm still really pissed off that he told her about that.

Don't freak out about the first one, but seriously consider the second one.

A Short Sad Poem

Shut my door and go away.
I don't want to see your face today.
Maybe I'm cutting, but that's okay.
You don't care about me anyway.

A Question

I want to let go.
It hurts more if I don't.
My brain says it's time
But my heart just won't.

My eyes still turn green
At the sound of his voice.
It is going to be difficult
But I must make a choice.

Do I go to him
And say it was a mistake?
Or continue as I am,
A living fake?

Though for the day: Like steak knives, barbed wire, and broken glass, I'm a little rough around the edges.

It's been exactly a month today. Why is it that I measure time by tragedy? Maybe it's human nature...

I realized this morning that I broke up with Hal on Paul's half birthday. Odd. He still lives on in my heart, I guess. 

There is a public service announcement that I saw last night. It starts out by saying "This is a real 911 call." Then you hear some guy in a really slurred voice say that he and his wife were lost in a blizzard. Cut to black. "They were both high on meth." You hear him say that this is his last hope, and the operator says, "I'm sorry." Cut to black again, "They were both found frozen to death the next morning." It made me cry. Not because their story is sad, and I'm not saying it isn't but because I heard Cameron's voice calling 911 on that fateful March day. I saw the ambulance pull into the parking lot, saw Paul on the stretcher, saw the ambulance people close the doors and drive off. I heard the sirens blaring. I saw his dad's dust red pickup truck, saw his dad sitting on the front step, face in hands, crying, and realized that I was crying too. Drugs destroy.

I had a really really weird dream again...

I dreamed that my mom tried to steal my ovaries in my sleep.
And when I tried to get on AIM and tell people about it, they all ignored me because they were listening to live chatter from airports.

Prom was a blast. i really truly enjoyed myself. I couldn't stop smiling. It was so much fun.

But throughout, I couldn't help thinking about a certain someone who never made it to his junior prom. I think we call this survivor's guilt. Then I would remember what Hal said a while back :"You'll be dancing the night away while I'm moving back to Jacksonville." So I danced the night away.

I decided tonight that I will never let guilt hold me back again. Three years has been enough. The past is dead and gone. It is time to move on.

Why must images of him haunt my dreams? Why does he hate me in my dreams? Why does my most trusted friend turn his back on me in my dreams?

Why?

These last few days have been one giant headache... literally.

Through the combined efforts of Hal and my mom, I smacked my head into a desk, and have had an awful headache every since.
 This was not at all helped by my mom smacking me in the head last night.

Or by the full scale alert at work today.

Some moron stole a gun.

And set off an evilly loud alarm. Which then resulted in every child in the store screaming at the top of his or her lungs. There was a kid in my line who looked exactly like an 11 year old Ryan Shaughnessy. This kid was bawling. It was quite funny, actually, because he looked so much like Ryan, and I pictured Ryan bawling... anywho...

MY HEAD HURTS!!!